My mind is like one of Kayla's almost two year old drawings. I'm rather proud of it mostly, like Kayla with her drawings, willingly showing it off to anyone who will give me the time of day, anxiously awaiting the "ahhs" and "oohs" as people exclaim what a good job I've done and how 'beautiful' the scribbled mess of my mind is.
Lately, however, I have noticed Kayla becoming more purposeful with her drawing. She stops occasionally to gaze at her work so far before continuing with what I can only assume is new resolve to complete her masterpiece with perfect strokes of the Bic Biro. Suddenly her scribbles aren't so haphazard and I can tell, it's true, she's on her artful way to drawing flowers and trees and neck-less, long legged people with scarily long eyelashes (based on previous experience with my 7 year old Laney).
My mind, on the other hand, shows no such signs of evolution, in fact the mess (rather like Laney's bedroom floor) attracts the clutter of more useless junk entirely effortlessly. It's not for lack of trying of course. Refer to today's first sentence penned (or is it keyed?) by yours truly and it's plain to see I in fact consider myself to be a reasonably intelligent person, a "thinker" as it were, perhaps even a philosopher of the 21st century, a ponderer, a poet, without a doubt worthy of conversations beyond weather and Hollywood scandals. And yet, if I were to empty the contents of my mind at a moment's notice, I am challenged to understand that over 90% would be filled with thoughts of things that in their entirety are not, in any way shape or form, worthy of thought, time or impending speech. Furthermore, I have lost true focus, lost relevant thought, lost passionate purpose, and lost all sense of what it is I am waiting for in life.
I wait for the postman, I wait for the money to transfer, I wait for banana's to come down in price, I wait for Laney to be a teenager, I wait for Kayla to start toilet training, I wait for my husband to come home from work, I wait for the busy times to be over, I wait for family to return, I wait for family to get lost, I wait for cakes to bake, I wait for the cleaning fairy to arrive, I wait for time to pass, I wait for summer to come, I wait for things to be over, I wait for things to begin, I wait for times to get better, I wait for hard things to pass, I wait for the kettle to boil. And while none of this waiting is intrinsically wrong, I have been reminded (rather starkly, like a mirror shoved in your face the second you wake up from a bad nights sleep) that with out the context of the true "wait" all other waiting stands useless, meaningless, a complete and utter distraction and waste of time. And so my poor, tired (for no good reason) mind has finally realised that along with the kilos I have in fact been losing my "wait".
C.S. Lewis said "if I find in myself, desires nothing in this world can satisfy, I can only conclude that I was not made for here". Paul wrote, "We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved."
Me, myself and I, we have not been groaning. Well now, that's a lie, plenty of groaning, just none so righteous and worthwhile. So little waiting for Heaven. Hardly any reaching for things out of this world. Miniscule amounts of finding peace in the hope that I am saved beyond all days, jobs, duties, weather and time. Beyond parenting, grocery shopping, baking, marriage and toilet scrubbing. Beyond coffee breaks, brilliant food, brilliant friends and brilliant family. Beyond hair brushing, eyebrow waxing, exercising and energy in energy out. Beyond trouble, worry, and things that really suck. Beyond injury, emotion, psychology and philosophy. Saved, waiting, hoping beyond all the things that characterise this world.
I want to be waiting for that. Not for the kettle to boil. I want the ability to wait, first and foremost, for Heaven, for Him.
Decision: Time to gain some wait.
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